I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
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My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so