Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
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when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”