Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
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Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
The Joker was right
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
True
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight