Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
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Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I’m listening
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.