[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
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People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.