“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
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Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
That time Alicia messaged me
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.