I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
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I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang