[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
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Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
yall want some gasoline milk
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Me :
All Day At Night
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.