My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
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migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Y’all know who you are.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Happy weekend !
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here