God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
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Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating