You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
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My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
This is my cat’s medicine.
“That’s what” – She
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.