Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
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TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen