I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
You Might Also Like
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
One venti cheeseburger please.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.