To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
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My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.