What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
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*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Jail
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
can you read it!!??
maan!
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.