Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
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Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
fired
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”