My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is