Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
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Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
What
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I need to update my racial profile.