Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
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me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]