DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
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someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”