Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
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her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?