9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
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Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶