Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
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The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
they finally got him. they got macavity
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.