Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
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Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Always a housemaid, never a house.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.