Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
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WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.