I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
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DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”