I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
You Might Also Like
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Just me?
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
BaD BoY!!
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.