Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
You Might Also Like
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.