UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
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What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Netflix and awkward silence?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT