ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
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I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I missed you with all my darts
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Looking at you, Jesus.