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Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
adding to the discourse
NOT all policemen are strippers.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
me logging onto twitter
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much