You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
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My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse