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My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
hi why am I like this
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
No Google it does not
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom