[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
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I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
never ask a starfish for directions
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks