breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
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Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.