LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
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First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.