If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
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My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.