can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
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interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?