Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
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Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.