her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
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*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers