*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Put this video in the Louvre
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.