He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
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there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[eats all your cotton candy]
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!