Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
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Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
😆this is so true
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no