My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
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[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.