Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
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I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.