*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
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[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower