“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
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The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave