My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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Potatoes were such a good idea
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.