I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
You Might Also Like
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
it’s the silliest best thing
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day