professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
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Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
courtroom exchange of the day
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Strangers have the best candy.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.